From Overthinker to slightly NormalπŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

Photo credits to pinterest and my screenshoting abilitiesπŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

Hello people. How are ya’ll doing. I probably spend too much time on the first few lines of every blog post than I do the other parts which seem more importantπŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚. See, the problem is, I try so hard and I’m an overthinker. I have to decide whether I should say hi in a foreign language or be normal and just say hi (you know, like normal, regular people. But I’m not normal and regular is not one of the words in my dictionaryπŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚ but you guys already know that). Sometimes I even wonder if the hi is important and sometimes, I wonder if I should tell you what I’ve been up to or why I have been away for so long but all the reasons are crappy because more often than not, I have nothing important going on in my life. I’m on a pattern, a cycle if you may. I wake up, eat, stay in bed all day long, eating and doing unimportant stuff like rewatching old nickelodeon shows on netflix and going through instagram wishing I had the strength and boldness to do what the people I follow are doing. Everybody but me is worried that it’s unhealthy, it is unhealthy but I’m not dead yet so I guess that’s a hard passπŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚.

I am also probably one of the crappiest bloggers you’ve ever metπŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚(met?…seen?…known?…read???πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚sorry). I know, I know, you don’t have to tell me. Most days I don’t have the strength and other days my overthinking gets the best of me and now I’m even wondering if I am going to go through with this blog postπŸ€¦β€β™€οΈπŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚. Let’s not get into that right nowπŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚. I spend most of my days wishing I was doing something important with my life like maybe document my fashion, take cute pictures of the food I make and eat, visit places and take more pictures of that too and maybe even do something that counts. But nah, my fashion sence is only cool in my head (the deras and baggy tees I wear from monday to saturday don’t help eitherπŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚), the food I eat, omena (sardines) and skuma wiki (kales), won’t look good on my insta and the only place I’m in that is not home is the market (where I am always forced to go because… I don’t even know why I am the one who has to goπŸ€¦β€β™€οΈπŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚) and church (you know, because, yeahπŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚…sundays are also the only days that I get to look good πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚ because….church. God is the only man I’d look good forπŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚, To be fair, he is the only guy in my life outside family, no wait He is family isn’t he, wait, no, let’s just leave it at thatπŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚. ‘Gives a sigh of relief’)

*It also saddens me, greatly, that important to me means fashion, food and travel. I wish I was more interested in the economy and understand things like cryptocurrency and maybe even the weather. At the moment weather is the last thing on my mind because it’s May and it rained almost everyday in April so I didn’t have to hear my mom tell me to go out a lot, my definition of almost perfectπŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚. Sorry I also made this one longπŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚.*

The world has taught me how to blame my overthinking tendencies on my horoscopeπŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚. Yes!! I am one of those people who believe that the moth I was born in somehow affects my whole personality or is it the the way the sun aligns itself with, I don’t know, something, I don’t even understand half of that stuff, but I am a believer of most things I don’t understand and what I do know is that I’m a Virgo and virgos are overthinkers. (Wait, is it pronounced veeh-go or vajo because if it’s the second one I’ll laugh to death and I have been pronouncing it both ways depending on the mood I’m inπŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚).

While overthinking sometimes keeps me from unnecessary drama, it keeps me from living my best life. I could be living my best life right now, being the best version of myself but my anxiety and overthinking is keeping me in my bed. I’m challenging myself this month to stop my overthinking tendencies. How do I do that? I don’t know but as usual, I have a list to follow:

1. Remind myself that everything embarrassing I do only proves that I tried even though I failed and the best I can do, is get up, clean my dusty ass and move on, maybe one day I’ll look back and laugh about it.

2. Remind myself that more than half of the time, the people I want to please don’t even give a crap about the shit I do. It’s all in my head.

3. Remind myself that if I live in my head a lot, like I do, I will miss out on everything nice the real world has to offer. Sometimes I just need to jump in without thinking, and if I drown, I lived a happy life and died a good death.

Join the challenge and make these you May Mantras. It’s time to show your anxiety who’s the boss.

Happy new month to you peoples. Until next time Muchachos (I did the foreign language thing but I feel good about itπŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚)

Self-appointed Introvert.

Hello, it’s been a long while, a really really long while. A lot has happened since the last time I wrote something meaningful that if I started telling you guys about it, this article would turn into a novelπŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚. Anyway, I hope ya’ll have been doing amazing. I’m somewhere in the middle, between not okay and just fine.


Last week I was finishing up on my class presentations and this week I had my exams which I finished yesterday. If you guys haven’t heard yet, I’m an International relations major. To be honest, i always wanted to study business and one day become a banker or something like that. It had been what I’d been telling people i wanted to become since I heard a kid in my class say he wanted to become a banker, but I made plans against those of the world and now here I am, in my second year of IR. You might be wondering why I am talking about this, I was too πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚.
So about my class presentations, I have never had just one class presentation go so well for me, honestly. I get really scared that my voice starts to tremble or it becomes so low you won’t hear me well and at times I even forget what I am talking about.
Recently, we’ve been watching Designated survivor (a series on netflix) and everytime someone does something smart and bold my dad says “You could be very good at that job, with your course and all.” If you’ve watched the show you know how related it is to what I’m doing in school. And everytime he says that I look at him and wonder how he has such high hopes for me, and how he believes I can do all that when he knows I can’t even sing in church without freaking out, at one point he even wanted me to study law like my big sister, I laughed about it and he looked at me like i was going crazy.
I am a self appointed introvert, I stay at home whenever I can and I do just about everything in the comfort of my bed. It’s no wonder I don’t have Vitamin D, yaani I don’t have enough sunπŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚.

I’m also one of those weird people who know the answer but can’t raise up their hands to say it unless called on by the teacher. It has been like that for me for a very long while, forget about the really long while I was talking about before, this is longer than that.

So I did what we millenials do, I went online and took a social anxiety test, unlike my school work, i actually passed this one with high marksπŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚and I have diagnosed myself with social anxiety disorder. That is actually what I wanted to talk about before I started boring you to death with the long paragraphπŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚.


What is social anxiety disorder or rather social phobia?
It is basically what I have described above before diagnosing myself, well, I actually saw an internet doctor (WebMD)πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚ but that is not the point. Social phobia is a mental health disorder that is characterized by the persistent fear of social situations because of the feeling that others will judge you or that you will do something completely embarrassing. For me I even replay some of my most embarrassing moments in my head like it’s supposed to make the situation better. I hate putting myself in situations where I might end up embarrassing myself or giving people the chance to talk about me and the easiest way for me to do that is to keep my distance from everybody else, so I made myself an introvert. I made sure everything I loved doing, could be done within the safety of my bedroom walls or rather, the safety of my bed; I read on my bed, write on my bed, watch movies on my bed, listen to music on my bed and sing on my bed but mostly in the showerπŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚. It’s unhealthy, I know, you can even ask my mom, she reminds me every single dayπŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚.

Anyway, this fear of speaking in crowds and knowing that I’m actually scared of speaking in crowds has planted a lot of self doubt in me. It got to a point where I wanted to change my course from International relations (which I have come to love by the way) to something that didn’t need too much talking. This fear of being judged has held me back most times, like at times I write something that I feel absolutely amazing about and then I reread it a couple of times and delete it because I think that when I post it someone’s going to make a nasty comment, or is going to judge me because most of the things i write are about me or it’s simply not good enough. Well, enough is enough! No more!

I am taking a stand and I’m saying that I am tired of holding back when I have so much to offer. I am not going to stop being an introvert, it’s still my thing and I know that my anxiety is not going away overnight, it is a working progress and I am going to give it my all, but I am telling myself, no more holding back, i am going to post those articles i have always wanted to post but was scared out of it, I am going to go out once in a while and try making new friends and getting more sunπŸ˜‚, heck I’ll even try telling the doctor my problems on my ownπŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚. Here’s to new beginningsπŸ₯‚, to trying out new thingsπŸ₯‚ and to showing anxiety who’s bossπŸ₯‚. Adios Muchchos, Until next time.

IG page

Hello beautiful people of the internet, Hope this February is being kind to you. It’s my anniversary on wordpress actually πŸ₯³ a year ago today….it’s been a long time coming.

Please check out this blogs IG page cyndies_blog for updates and other things.

Happy New Year 2021

Hello there beautiful and amazing people of the internet.I know I’m a month too late and I don’t really have an excuse for being this late but incase you need one, I was taking time to see what this year was all aboutπŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚. It’s not that different from the previous one. Happy new year though. I sincerely hope that this year will be better than 2020 (ain’twe all).

While most of you were busy making your new year resolutions, I was busy accepting things I’ve recently discovered about myself. I have accepted that I am a procrastinator, I don’t always keep my promises, I forget about my new year resolutions seconds after making them and I have accepted that I have become so lazy, so much that I only write once a month or I completely forget to write(I know it’s laziness because I have the content planned and outlined in my notebook but when I pick up my phone to type I just feel some type of wayπŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚(translate that to ‘nafeel sijui aje’ πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚ and not the good kind of nafeel sijui ajeπŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚)

My resolution for this year and the next and the next and the next and many more to come is to just keep breathing, survive and make it through another year. One of those things I said I was coming to terms with is that I don’t always have to make promises to myself (you know like in highschool when I kept telling myself I’d work hard and get an A on the next exams and still fell asleep during preps, and still got grades that weren’t A’s or close to A’sπŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚(yeah, we can’t all be EisteinsπŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚). I’m not telling you to stop making resolutions, promises and goals, I’m just telling you that I’m not ready for commitments(this is why I’m still singleπŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚). I’m also telling you that having no expectations at all is okay and that Shakespeare was so right when he said that Expectation is the root of all heartache and my heart ain’t that strong.

Go ahead and figure out who you are. If you are like myself, with no plans for this year or any other year, let’s sit down, put our feet up and wait for whatever life throws our way. Let’s do what we can, when we can(as long as we do it before the due date πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚). Happy new year folks, have a great year ahead.

Scared shitless

Hello beautiful people of the internetπŸ€— . You magnificent souls that actually take your precious time to go through my stuff and also always bare with my inconsistency. I have already come to terms with the fact that I will never be consistent and that sometimes I don’t finish what I start, and it really do be like that sometimesπŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚. I am human afterallπŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚. It’s been a minute, maybe even an hourπŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚ and I missed you guys so much but between me trying to learn, or rather, teach myself a semester’s worth of work in four days and being mistreated by my exams,(kids, you should study when they tell you to, shit’s real out hereπŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚) I really didn’t have time to write or even wish you guys a happy new month at the beginning of the month. But here we are, and it’s a little bit late but Happy DecemberπŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚. I can now go back to trying and failing at this thing called consistency in peace.

Anyway, let’s get down to business. Now that I am on holiday, maybe we can find some stupid things to talk about together (as in give me the chance to waste both our times this festive seasonπŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚).

Lately, I’ve been thinking about the future, my future specifically, and I have come to the conclusion that: I AM NOT READY FOR THIS SHIT, I AM NOT READY TO BE AN ADULT. I know I am not the only one who feels that way. I am here wishing that life came with a manual so that I’d know what to do and when to do it. Maybe it’s my anxiety or maybe I’m just scared of everything, but I am scared of the future, I am scared of everything that is not here yet.

I have found myself thinking about education, career, family, relationships, marriage, finance and all that adulting stuff and I am left here wondering how time flew by so fast and where i was when everybody else was being trained to get their stuff in line. I am so not ready to start thinking about filling taxes, buying food and paying rentπŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚(well, some of these I do, but I don’t use my moneyπŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚). I’ve been imagining myself looking for a job and I’m like, who the hell would want to hire this lazy couch potato(well bed potato, I live in my bed these daysπŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚I attend my classes from there, eat there most of the times and sleep…story of my lifeπŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚). I don’t even know what I am going to do with my degree once I get it. When I think about love and family, I start to wonder, who, in their right freakin mind, would want to do the ’till death do us part’ crap with me? I claim to be in love with myself and half of the time I can’t even stand myself, now imagine me with somebarry’s sonπŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚. I am not even ready for love yet. I know there’s a long line of heartbreaks and disappointments waiting for me out there, one down, a couple dozen more to goπŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚, and I am already tired. And then there’s this beast called family, I can barely take care of myself, what am i going to do with children.

I know it seems like I am headed somewhere with this really long, self-centered conversation, but to be honest, I didn’t think I’d get this farπŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚(you should be used to this by now). I was just trying to complain and maybe remind you that you’re not the only one who doesn’t have stuff going on for them. There’s a lot of us who are still trying to figure things out, we’ve been trying to figure them out for years, we will keep trying for a lot more to come or maybe not. But for now, I am going to keep worrying about the future and still do so little about it because that’s just who I amπŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚.

This was like a come-back post. If you are new here, I swear I talk about good stuff most of the timesπŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚so stay tuned for better content. And while we are on the topic, I have been thinking about doing something more for the blog. By more, I mean start an instagram accountπŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚for updates, relatable things, memesπŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚ and other stuff that come up, we will talk about that when the idea comes to lifeπŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚. Until next time my people…Adios.

Keeping it November

Hey there wonderful citizens of the internet. Unfortunately, we’ve gone back to our favourite phrase,’it’s been a while but I’m back now’ πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚. I have no great excuse this time but if I wanted to, I’d tell you how busy I am with school work, the two or is it three books I’m reading and the 3 series I’ve been following. So yeah, I’m pretty occupied as far as this never-ending long holiday is concernedπŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚. I’ve gotten this far and I still don’t know what this blog post is aboutπŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚(yeah, I knooow,it’s kinda like my thingπŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚. I start things, and I get stuck somewhere in the middle.) Or maybe I should just talk about the books I have on my ‘To read’ list this November, or Read, or Reading (okay, too muchπŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚), or the cool new music I’ve added to my playlist since we last talked about music or we can talk about what comedy shows we should binge. I honestly don’t know but we can do them all if I want toπŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚.

To be honest, November to me is just one of those months. It’s usually October, Christmas then back to school for meπŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚but this year has proved to be different in all the ways, anyway these are the books and song I’m doing this November.

Books

-Breathless by Jennifer Niven I’ve loved Jeniffer since All the Bright Places, both the Book and the movie(one more than the otherπŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚, you pick your poison). I’m not even close to being halfway through the book but it is interesting and it has given me an idea of a topic to share with you guys. I would give a book review but I would just end up spoiling for anyone who reads it afterπŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚. And the quotes I got from there man, can’t wait to use them on the pictures I post on Instagram πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚(yeah, I’m normalπŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚)

– The Problem with Forever by Jeniffer L. Armentrout From the second I read about Rider Stark, I wished the guy who will want to marry me will be just like him(or maybe I’m exaggerating πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚). And Mouse, I mean Mallory, I relate to her character. I am not as quiet and I haven’t gone through the hell she walked in but I relate to her not always saying what she’s thinking. I am also an over thinker and it’s hard for me to make friends because I always don’t know what to say but anyway, this isn’t about me, it’s about the book, and how great it is and how you should check it outπŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

– Who’s Afraid of Virginia Wolf by Edward Albee I have not read this one yet but I plan on reading it once I’m done with The first two and I’m gonna read it together with a book by the said Virginia Wolf(I don’t know if they are related πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚) I want to give this classic a chance.

-Mrs Dalloway by Virginia Wolf I spend a lot of time on pinterest and I usually come across her very relatable quotes and I thought, instead of the snippets, why not get the whole thing so I decided to read her books one by one and this was the first one that landed among my pdfsπŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚ so yeah, I’m gonna give her a try, see what the fuss is aboutπŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

Music

1. Sweet Melodies by Little Mix I have always loved Little Mix, and most of their songs so it’s no surprise that I loved this song. It is amazing though, and on a scale of one to ten, I’d give it a 12 ’cause it’s that amazing. My gossip-loving ass heard the rumour that Jesy Nelson is leaving the group. Hope it’s not true….AnywayyyπŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

2. Lasting Lover by James Arthur ft Sigala Let’s just be honest though, is there a song by James Arthur that isn’t amazing. I love the guy and I love him even more after this song.

3. Holy by Justin Bieber and Chance the Rapper I really don’t like Justin but I gotta give it to him though, this song is amazing. We praise what’s good even if you don’t like the ownerπŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚.

4. Wonder by Shawn Mendez This just became my favourite song by this guy, so yeah, ya’ll should listen to it if you haven’t.

5. Fallin by Why don’t we The song is as hot as every guy in this boy band (I said what I saidπŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚)

6. Minefield by Faouzia and John Legend This is the second song by Faouzia that I’ve loved, the first was Battle ft David Guetta but it’s still at the top.

7. Fake by Lauv and Conan Gray

8. Maybe Don’t by Maisie Peters and JP Saxe

9. She looks so perfect by 5 Seconds of Summer A lot of songs by 5SOS look perfectπŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

10. I do by Astrid and Brett Young I just love this one ya’ll kwanza Astrid’s voice huku is just something else.

So I tend to over do it when I’m on the topic of music so i am just gonna go ahead and put the full stop here.

We’ve come to the end of this post my people. This year’s November has been about adding to my own cup and I hope it fills up soon so that I can share the wonderful contents with you guys. Until next time mates. AdiiosΒ‘

What I’m grateful for this year

Happy New Month guys. Another one gone and another one to be grateful for. So my lazy ass couldn’t finish the challenge in October but we move on regardless. We will finish when we decide to finishπŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚ and we will finish strong. Anywhoo Good day to you people of the internet. I am praying that November will be kind to all of us and if not, we are stronger than we look and we will definitely make it to December. Today’s post is about Gratitude…Giving thanks for both the big and the little things. And just a by the way, for those who love journaling, Gratitude journaling is a great way to stay positive especially during tough times, you guys should try it. I’m lazy, the longest I can journal is a week(when the note book is still newπŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚) but I have been trying and I can say September went well, October was a little bumpy and I’m not giving up in November. Anywhoo…welcome to today’s post. (It’s gonna be a list obviouslyπŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚)

Obviously from pinterest

1. I am grateful for life- 2020 has made me appreciate the fact that I am alive. I am happy every time I see the sunrise and every evening I watch the sun set. My health has not been at it’s best but that just pushed me to better myself, I mean I started going on walks and man are they therapeutic. It’s not just good for the body but for the mind too. I am grateful that I have been able to make it this far. 19 years and still counting, I don’t know about you but I feel like that’s something I should be grateful for.

2. I am grateful for my family- Yes I am. Even though we fight all the time and we act like we belong in a really comic reality TV show, I love my family and I thank God for choosing them for me, I couldn’t have asked for a better one (even if sometimes I envision myself somewhere far away with a quieter lifeπŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚). This is what I got, and for that, I give thanks.

3. Friendship- I am grateful for my friends, both old and new. I haven’t seen them much this is year but I know that God is keeping them safe for me. I honestly don’t know what life would be like without my friends, super weird I guess(not that it’s not already weirdπŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚).

4.This Blog- This year had a lot for me but one of the best things I ever accomplished was starting and getting to keep this blog. It has done so much for me than most of you can imagine. I made friends from this place, it has helped me keep my mental health in check, but most of all, it has helped me know me more and become the me that I am today.

5. Self-love- This is something that I hadn’t really shown myself until last year and when I finally found it, my mind was like, why didn’t you start this earlierπŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚okay, jokes aside. I am grateful for the fact that I learned to love myself and give myself credit for every little thing. I am thankful for the love I receive, not from everybody else, but from myself.

6. Every good book I’ve read this year, every good song I’ve heard and every good movie or TV show I have watched- Yes, I am that kind of person and there’s nothing you’re going to do about itπŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚. Anyway, books, music and TV are what get me through life. Comedy shows brighten my day and music lightens my mood. What more do I ask for. I am grateful for these little things.

Every good thing has an end and unfortunately, we have come to the end of this blog post. Thank you for taking you’re time to go through this, and hopefully my other posts as well, that is another thing that I’ll always be grateful for (the people of the internetπŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚) , thank you though, I appreciate you guys. That is all for today. Stay safe, stay woke and stay tuned. Until next time Mi amigos. Adios.

Faith’s faith

The title thoughπŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚. It’s just me being me, you know, extra. Anyway, Good day to whoever is reading this and at whatever time it is that you decided to read it. I hope you are doing amazing like myself, if not, I pray things get better for you. Welcome to today’s blog post which is about my life as a Christian.

My journey with God has not been a walk in the park. It’s been hard, really hard and I mean really hard(okay, that’s a little too much πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚).There are days when I am grateful that I have someone who is constant in my life and there are days when my doubt outweighs my faith. Ironic, isn’t it, that my name is Faith and I struggle with that very thing most days. Hence my really weird titleπŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚. I am a Christian, I was born into it. I honestly don’t know where I’d have been without my parents’ prayer. I hope that one day when I am a mother, I will remember to do the same for my children.

In as much as I was born into a Christian family, went to church on all the Sunday I could, i did have a choice, and I chose to keep believing God. I chose to stay a Christian. But like everything else in my life. This too decided to become a challenge. There are days, weeks even, when I go without praying, reading the Bible and even thinking about God. Then I feel really guilty and I come back, usually to ask for something, or after a really inspiring Christian film, and on that day I read more than a dozen scriptures about beginning again; a new life in christ, I pray, sing a little and cry myself to sleep. I do this for about three days and then we are back to the same old ways. This is the toxic relationship with God I was talking about. Unlike most Christians, I am going to admit that I am completely imperfect and that I struggle with my faith in God. I sin a lot, repent a lot and start anew a lot(the only thing that makes me not forget completely is gospel music. True. I listen to them every and I mean every single day.

I think I do this because I know that no matter what I do and how big it is, when I come running back, he’s always going to be there, arms wide open and I guess, I take that for granted. Imagine being in such a relationship. It’s toxic I know. There’s always that still voice in the back of my head that’s always telling me to do the right thing, that always reminds me to pray when I can.

Well, today, I am here to tell you, that it’s okay to doubt and it’s totally okay to get lost sometimes. We are not perfect, can never be perfect and will never be perfect and that’s why we make mistakes and learn from them. I have come to learn that it doesn’t really matter how many times you start over as long as you learn something(in this case, you’re faith grows) everytime you do. So no, I am not that, ah..let’ssay righteous, I am not those holier than thou kind of people but I know where I came from and I know who gets me out of the weird and awkward situations I get myself in(they’re alot by the way). I know that my God is not done with me yet, even if my sins seem too big to bear and even if I act so ungrateful all of the time. I am not sure what the future holds for me or what curve balls the world wants to throw at me but the one thing I am sure of is that He’s always going to be there for me.

This is a short one but a girl needs her beauty sleep. All this(I mean me) doesn’t just happenπŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚. Have a good one ya’ll. Stay safe, stay woke and stay tuned. Until next time Muchachos.

Dear Past self

Part of the challenge was to write a letter to myself. A me from before the current me. It sure was a different me. I hope it will be a learning experience for me and an interesting read for you. Good day to you person from the internet, you are beautiful, you are amazing and I swear I’m not just trying to butter you upπŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚, I really mean it. In case no one told you today, you deserve everything good that life has to offer. Welcome or welcome back, here’s today’s blog post.

Hey there Faith from before I started calling myself CyndieπŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚ You were always happy and confident and I have to admit I miss you so much. I miss how things were not so hard for you and the only things you would cry over were food, childish games, your rowdy friends and being left behind when people went to visit grandma. I miss how you had so much faith and trust in people. I miss how you’re only dream was to one day make it to Nairobi because you believed that was a place where only good people and good things belonged, it was the perfect place for your dreams to come true and how hopeful you were that with time things will eventually go your way. Well, we did make it to Nairobi and I must say, I was a little disappointed. Hey there little one, I really do miss how carefree you are(I don’t like that you were a bully though, remember how you almost strangled that kid in pre-unit, I don’t remember why but you’ll regret it sooner or laterπŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚).

Hey there Cyndie, I’m talking to the helpless eight year old. Alone and tired of boarding school life. This life wasn’t meant for you. You have a little sister now, you’re no longer the last born. I know how much you loved the attention and you were used to always being the first, but things have changed and they are not really going your way. I know that somewhere along this treacherous journey in the middle of nowhere seems like it’s pointless and that it’s just a way to make you humble and appreciative of the little things. This phase wasn’t here to just take away your confidence, or your voice. You will learn later that you came out of it stronger than before and maybe even a little wiser because you never gave up. Sometimes when I’m about to give up, I think of you and I find the strength to carry on.

Hey there 13 year old Cyndie. You’re back to where you never thought you’d be. Another boarding school. Unlike the first one, this is an all-girls boarding school(it’s no wonder I’m weird around the the guysπŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚that, and the fact that I am just weird). You’re a little scared that this will go the way it did a couple of years back but you are set on making this a smoother ride. You make friends here, something you haven’t done in a while but you’ve kept some of them close and trust me, you’re life in the city you hoped to one day end up in, Nairobi, would have been weird and a lot boring without them. Don’t forget how much you love and value them.

Hey there 14 and a half year old Cyndie. That box is so heavy but it has everything you need for highschool. You are excited, a little scared and maybe a little disappointed because let’s face it, its school. Unlike most of the other form ones, you don’t have a school mother, you just have a friend. Some of you’re cubecies don’t like you, form fours, because you refused to wash their shirts, fetch their water and go to the canteen for them like the other form ones. They think you’re rude but if they only knew that behind the silence was just a lazy girl who wouldn’t agree to being anybody’s bitch. That is something that I have always been proud of you for. When needed, you can be strong enough to stand up for yourself. You’ll make friends and make changes, no spoilers thoughπŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚.

Dear 17point5 year old Cyndie. The first half of 2019 is a tough one for you but it’s a lesson, not just an obstacle. Like I said before, you’re a fighter , you don’t give up and this too will pass, like all bad things do. It makes you stronger. You’ve had you’re first heartbreak, the love wasn’t there but the lesson was a huge one and you promised me that we will never go back to this position again. We’re better than this, aren’t we?

Dear 18 year old Cyndie. This is me from last year and half of this year. You joined uni and like every first day of school you’re scared shitless and worried about first impressions. Things don’t go well at first but you power through it like the fighter you are, strong and willed. I love how you learn to love yourself and you keep doing so everyday. I love that you found the people that now mean the whole world to you and how you would do anything in you’re power to keep them. I love how you found your voice again, not fully but it’s a start, you found something to be passionate about. You got your ID. You had a lot of firsts within this period and I couldn’t be more proud. I love you the most.

β—‡β—‡β—‡β—‡β—‡β—‡β—‡β—‡β—‡β—‡β—‡β—‡

So there you have it, a letter to my past self or rather selvesπŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚. Have a good one, with lots of life, laughter and love. Stay safe, stay woke and stay tuned for more.

Toxic Relationships

So yeah, you guessed it from the title. I decided to deliver on one of the many promises I makeπŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚. Today we are going to talk about toxic relationships. Relax, grab your cup of tea and put your feet up ’cause issabout to go downπŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚. I hope you are having a good time whenever and wherever you are and I sincerely hope you enjoy this one.

From Pinterest

One famous person or rather someone society decided was worth listening to, said that You gotta walk away from the table when love is no longer being served. What he/she forgot to tell us was when does the love stop being served, how we’d know it’s finally the right time to walk away. This dude/dudess πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚(I’m so funny I kill myself sometimes πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚)left us with more questions than answers. Ever heard of the phrase ‘Love hurts’? Si I tell you that has been the death of so many people out here. Yeah, everything has its ups and downs, no doubt about that, but it’s not always a rough ride all the way, I honestly think that the good times should outweigh the bad times, If not, what’s the point of the whole relationship thingy.

“If the relationship makes you light yourself on fire to keep the both of you warm then it’s plain toxic. Period!!(says Cyndie 2020πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚)

The saddest thing about this generation is that we have totally normalised(if it’s even correct English to say…we’ve even normalised using the wordπŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚) toxic relationships.

My definition of toxic is…loving someone so much even when it’s bad for you, even when it hurts you physically and mentally. You’re brain could be screaming for you to leave when you first see the signs (you know, red flags and all) but you’re heart tells you something else, and oh when the heart wants what it wants. It’s a war between the mind and the heart.

So why do people even stay in toxic relationships.

1. The fear of being alone or rather the fear of being single Most people think that other people are going to judge them because they are not in a relationship, well, let me break it to you as gently as possible, nobody gives a damn about what goes on in your life, and for those who do, they’re gonna talk, then get tired and then they’re gonna work on figuring their own shit out. To my people who’ve watched seriously single, I think you get the point. You don’t have to be in a relationship just because everybody else is in one. This goes for friendships too, no one ever died of being alone, but people have died of being in toxic relationships.

2. Insecurities Your insecurities can make you hold on to a toxic relationship. It makes you believe that it is only this one person who wants you and leaving them will mean that no one else will want you. Of you take your insecurities with you into a relationship, it might be difficult to leave especially after the person finds out your fears, then they can use them against you. Learn to love yourself first before you let others love you, it teaches you the kind of love you deserve.

3. The sunk cost fallacy People who have been in toxic relationships for long find it hard to walk away because they invested so much in the relationship. “We’ve been together for ten years” they say. It really doesn’t matter how long, if it’s toxic it’s toxic and there’s nothing that those ten years can do about it.

4. They will change πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚(sorry, I had to laugh before writing this one). It is the most common one. Somebody cheats on you multiple times and you believe they change, well some do, but chances are he/she is just going to get better at hiding it. I do believe that people change but in some cases you just need to be realistic, listen to your head and not that thing in your chest(it’s the song that’s stuck in my head as I’m writing thisπŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚). Like I said, you deserve better. Periodt!!!

5. Lost hope Believing that you have no power or control in whatever is going on in the relationship. This is most common in relationships where one person is in charge and the other one just follows blindly. It is also where most people end up victims of physical abuse. They believe that their is absolutely nothing they can do about their situation. There’s always something to do, like getting up and walking away.

Knowing why you are stuck in that toxic relationship is a key step in letting go. Maybe next time we can talk about how to know you are in one. Friendships, love and family, these are all relationships that can be toxic and sometimes you can fix them. I just hope that you will also find the strength to walk away when the fixing becomes impossible.

This brings us to the end of this post but not the end of our journey. Stay tuned for more and stay woke, don’t let life bring you down. Hasta Luego amigos.